My Thoughts On... Me (Intro)

I turned 14 of Jan. fifth. As a result, I've spent a lot of the past month thinking about my imminent fifteen to nineteen year old hood, which are the only years that you're really a "teenager" in my book. A lot of what I've read about teens has horrible, terrible, catastrophic fights, complete with confusing dramatics and total 180s of the opinions of both parent and teen on any number of issues. I figured I may as well document my opinions now, that way I can go back later, after this whole thing, and compare notes. I'm going to start on my opinion of Me, as that seems the most important.

My Thoughts On... Me

Self Confidence: I remember when I was in second or third grade, I was told to write a paragraph about who I liked most in the world. Looking at it now, my teacher must've been an idiot, because this thing was bound to lead to a slew of disappointed mothers or fathers, depending on who (whom? I don't know) the kid picked. Anyway, I wrote about myself. When the teacher came round, she asked why I had written about me. I said that since I am me, I like myself the best. It wasn't selfish, it was true.

This self confidence disintegrated two weeks into sixth grade. I am going to be a freshman in a few months, and I haven't gotten it back yet. I feel as if it has been stolen from me by that EVIL group of girls that teased me all through sixth grade, and I am pissed. I want it back. I don't like hating myself, it's time consuming, depressing, and nonconstructive. I have better things to do with my time than beat myself up over things I can't change. The problem is, I tell myself this while I am yelling at me, so I get angrier at me. Verra annoying.

Attractiveness: It's rather odd, I like myself more depending on when I have my period. Actually, hormone wise, this makes perfect sense, but it still seems strange in practice. Why, for example, am I fine with the way I look when I'm having my period, and when I'm totally opposite my period, but am convinced I'm hideous for the two weeks on either side. While I'm bleeding like a slaughtered pig, I can tell that I have a good face and decent skin. I'm not crazy about my stomach, but I know that no one my age is, so that's easy to brush off. When I'm opposite, I get bad acne, but I can tell I'm a C cup (happy dance!) and, honestly, my stomach isn't that bad.

In between, I'm a mess. When I look in a mirror, I can only see oily skin and fuzzy upper lip. My chest size is good, but I hate my legs. I have some Middle Eastern in me, which gives me an olivey skin tone AND fuzz. In sixth grade I had a mustache bigger than all of my guy friends, which I was HORRIBLY self conscious of until I worked up the courage to get it waxed. The same cannot be said for my legs, because my electric razor SUCKS and I don't know how to use a disposable. On a bad day I can convince myself that, if I went outside in anything shorter that cargo pants, my calves alone would be reason enough for me to be taken into police custody.

Of course, if I did get a good razor, I would have to do my stomach to, which is also furry. This, to me, is horribly depressing. I'm trying to get past my hangups, but really, my best bet is to learn how to use the damn disposable.

Romantics: The bad thing about this topic is that I don't have much to write about. I have never fallen in love or had a crush. This really not that upsetting, my friends have all have crushes, and it looks really unpleasant. But I was so worried in sixth grade (seeing a pattern?) about my non-crushishness that I tried to fall in love with a guy who sat near me in English. I failed. I'd figured it would be simple, it didn't seem terribly hard. All I had to do was to ignore his flaws and play up his accomplishments. I actually thought this. And I tried. Really hard. I failed. I told him a little while ago (three weeks?) and he told me that I should've told him, because his younger brother and sister - who adore me - were bugging him to ask me out. Kinda funny really.

Sex: Never had it, and probably won't for a while. My body image is so low that I can totally see myself doing everything I can to avoid it. Truthfully, I'm not really that eager. The first time sounds rather unpleasant. My as well get a decent vibrator and be done with it.

Grades: ARRGHHHHH!!!! I was fine with grades up till this year, when I suddenly bombed Algebra. Now I'm really paranoid about them. Thankfully if the grade is bad enough the shock takes away any horror/nausea that accompanies a kinda bad grade. For this reason, I dread a B- more than a D-. I can get me getting a B-, anything below a C+ I'm so surprised it doesn't hurt much.

School: Public Middle School sucked. It was a horrible idea and it was the worst mistake of my life so far. Homeschooling is ok, but I've found myself becoming so dependant on Mom, and so out of sync with my peers, that it's kind of creeping me out. I'm going to stay in it for this year, because the alternative (Mytown Middle School) is so horrifying it's not to be believed. I was hoping to, next year, do a half day Public High (supposed to be better)/Community Collage, but the High School people are assholes and won't allow that, so I'll either do Freshman/Sophomore Community, Junior/Senior MHS, or just complete Community Collage. I'm sad that I probably won't be in the same school as my friends for the next few years, but I'll live.Religion: And here is where I run away screaming.

Religion is a very uncomfortable thing for me. Going to church is equivalent to being burned at the stake: it's slow, painful, and I always feel like it's unfair. I always feel like the congregation will suddenly realize I don't believe any of the idiocy they're spouting, and will start stoning me or something. The word Jesus is more distasteful than the word Satan. I hate Christ. I hate him. He scares me. Most Christians scare me, just on principle. I know that this is prejudiced, and I'm trying to stop, but good lord you people are scary.

Now, Jews are a whole different story. I don't really know why. I think I feel bad for them somehow. If someone were to ask me what religion I was, and I said Jewish, I could be proud of that. I could say Hindu, and be proud of that. But if I were ever to say Catholic, or Unitarian, or (heaven forbid)Morman, I think I would die of shame. Eastern religions are the same as Judaism , they don't scare me like Christianity does. No one's ruined them for me yet. I'm sure there are many terrible stories of cleansing (I know there was a period in Japanese history where Buddhists were singled out) but I haven't heard them in detail yet.

I wish I did believe in a higher power. I've tried. I've tried really hard. I've tested Christianity, Judaism, even Buddhism for a bit, but I can't do it. I really want to believe that there is someone who loves all people unconditionally, but I can't. It sounds like it would be really soothing, too. For now though, I'll just go to the Easter ceremony at Mom's church. The hymns are nice, and there aren't any large stones.

Mom: I love Mom with all my heart, so much so that I'm getting scared that I'm too dependent on her. I keep on having visions of her dieing and me being totally unable to cope. I know this isn't a very plausible problem, but still. I'm also very protective of her. I honestly don't know if she needs protecting (probably not), but I still get really angry at Saul or Phebe when they make her sad. I'm still trying to figure out her moods though. I feel really guilty when she's unhappy - whether it's my fault or not - and I have a feeling it annoys her. Also, I've had a few crying sprees before, and the last time she was in a really crummy mood and wasn't the best person to go to. I probably should've gone to Dad, but I was so depressed that it didn't really occur to me till later.

I think Mom and Dad are fighting. She says it's not divorce-bad, but surely divorces don't start divorce-bad. There has to be some kind of build up, doesn't there? I'm pretty sure this one'll pass, but it's still worrying. Mom hasn't been in a really good mood in weeks. It probably has a lot to do with Hobbes.

Dad: I have mixed feelings about Dad. I really do love him, and I try to make him proud, but he can really get on my nerves. The whole math thing is making me really angry. I know he's doing the best he can, but it's just making me more and more paranoid. I blame him for a lot of stuff that's not his fault, and I know it, but I can't figure out what I should be annoyed at him for. For example, he keeps on getting angry at Mom for not cleaning the house more often. Now, I get REALLY angry when he does this, because he doesn't clean at all. He has two days off, and he does no housework during that time. For some reason, I don't think of cooking as housework. For me, that doesn't count, because he's a chef and he enjoys cooking, it is no longer housework, it is a Task. And Tasks don't count as housework. Anyway, he also says that it's not fair that he's woken up early on his days off to take Midget and Elf to school. This is bullshit. Total and complete bullshit. Until Mom gets two days off a week, this complaint will remain bullshit.

Now, I understand that he's tired from running the Shop, but again, because he chose to open the shop, and because he can decide when he wants to go in, running the shop is not Work work. It is Task work. I know this is not fair. I know that Mom has to start some of their arguments. But I just can't get around the feeling that he's just doing Tasks, and leaving Mom with all of the really hard stuff. I'm trying to change, but it's hard.

Elf: Elf is one of the few people who scare me. He's getting bigger. Soon he'll be taller than I am. The last times I've fought him, I only won because I'm stronger. That won't last long. I don't know what I'm going to do.

I feel bad for him sometimes. I'm pretty sure he knows I don't like him. I'm actually really glad. He's stopped trying to be friends with me, which is nice. There was a period of time where he kept on saying things like, "Neo, do you remember when we were really good friends?" or "Neo, do you miss the time when we were really close?" It took a while, but he finally gave up. I'm relieved, I thought he'd never stop. I'm only worried for Midget now. She's really small. I keep on having visions of him killing her, or at least breaking a few of her bones. The creepy part is that I know that, when I'm standing over her coffin, or signing her cast, I'm pretty sure I'll be thinking "You see? I told you so."

Other times, I'm so jealous my teeth ache. He's allowed to scream and hit and blame. I don't feel like I can do any of that, and it doesn't seem fair.

He takes over all of Mom's conversations too. She'll call the High School, trying o set up a meeting to get my curriculum straightened out, and somehow Elf will come up. And the meeting will never be planned, she's too busy talking about how wonderfully he's doing on Prozac. She and Dad have weekly parent meetings. I've been trying to get one - ONE - set up, and Dad is always too busy. I know I'm the eldest. I realize I'm not the most exciting. I don't even make very good gossip. But don't I deserve the same level of treatment.

At this point I always start in on me, saying that Mom's taking the time to homeschool me. Yes, and I'm grateful. But I'm still angry that Elf's mental issues are taken so much more seriously than mine are.

Midget: I really do hate her. I know you're not supposed to say that about close family, but it's true. She's pink and cute and squeaky and short and I loathe her. All of her teachers like her because she simpers at them, really simpers, and does these HUUUGE puppy eyes at them. I didn't need to simper. I didn't need to do puppy eyes. I, me alone, just me with no hiding, was good enough that all of my teachers loved me. She needs to simper, because she's not, and it shows.

She's getting more obnoxious too. I was cutting her a slice of cake, and I couldn't get to the plates, so I asked her to get me one. "Why do I have to do it?" "Because I'm cutting you cake, and I can't reach the plates. If you don't want cake, don't get a plate." She sulked over to the cabinet and gave me a plate.

I want to kill her.

Honestly, if she keeps up the attitude around Elf, chances are he'll do it for me. He's getting a lot better, but she's a pain in the ass, and if I want to kill her, he will, at least, break a bone.

But I still feel guilty when she gets hurt by Elf. I feel like it's my job to protect her, she's only just over four feet tall and I'm her older sister. It's really annoying.

Board Meeting Comment

Mom and I were driving back from math class when we took a detour to the District Office. Mom'd been following the development of the school's safety plan, and she wanted to see if the meeting discussing it was tonight or in January. The secretary, a friend of Mom's, gave her the agenda. On it were two items: One discussing a maintenance report, the one after it was an announcement of positions that would be cut from the school's budget. Both Mom and the secretary were annoyed because the Director of Maintenance was a man who wasn't liked very much by the board. The board had taken to, every time he came up with a report, nitpicking the document for up to an hour and a half. The next item on the agenda was the announcement that the man's position was cut from the school's budget. I thought this was awful, and asked Mom what she was going to do about it. She said that she didn't really want to die on this particular hill, and that she was going to talk to him in private. I thought she should go down and comment on it, she thought not. But she did say that anyone, even a minor, can comment. So I wrote this in case she didn't buck up and say something.

Hello, I'm Neo Archeo, I live on 1617 Nighting Gale Court with my parents, whose phone number is 607-924-6674. I am thirteen years old. I'm here to comment on the treatment of the Director of Maintenance, Mr. Jonestan. I heard today that because of your personal opinions of Mr. Jonestan, you are going to nitpick his work for an hour and a half, and then do away with his position. How dare you? I think it's great that you want to look at your agenda items in detail, good for you. If you think that cutting staff will help with a budget deficet, then fine, full steam ahead. But to use the public meetings to so obviously to thumb your nose at a person, that's just embarrassing. I'm currently in a charter school because the Public Middle School is not meeting my needs. How about, instead of wasting your breath on a stupid little prank that just enhances your obviously flawed personalities, you work on the bullying problems Mytown has, and the dropout rates that our high schoolers have. The school board was built to meet the needs of the children, MY needs, not to be a place to exibit juvenile behavior. You help the kids, not act like them. Stop taunting, start working.

I know I'm thirteen. I get it. I don't know everything. There may be a secret message that all board members get that tells you that the meetings designed for the good of minors are really for testing out your favorite coffeeshop blather. But I haven't gotten that memo. From what I, an under eighteen year old, citizen of the city of Mytown, can see, you're taking up time in a meeting made to help with MY PROBLEMS with your stupid little distractions. You're not doing anything for the children by being rude to Mr. Jonestan, don't you dare say that you are. Instead of helping my little brother and sister, instead of helping my friends, you're combing through a maintenance report, desperately trying to make a man THAT YOU HIRED look like the bad guy. I can't believe that grown adults would be so selfish as to do this. It's humiliating. I hope you're proud. If you are, congradulations. You're the only ones.

Chrismas List NUMBAH TWOOOOO!!!!

It's heerrrreeeeeeeeee.........

Hee hee. I know I haven't posted in a while, and losts of stuff has happened. I also realize that I'm two months early in posting this, but Dad said he's started shopping already. I'll let Mom talk about that annoying logical stuff like the month, and what's happened, heaven knows I don't want to. Instead, here's some good ol' whining.

Yes. Oh yes. It has come. It has come to destroy you all! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

Ahem. Sorry.

This is actually my first Christmas list, as usually I don't have any goals in mind during the season. Now that I do, I may as well right them down now before I forget. This is in note format with headings (in bold) and subheadings (in italics).

Laptop

-PLEAAASSSSSSSSSEEEEEEEE????????????

Artist Supplies

-Calligraphy For Dummies
A wonderful series, I'd love to read.

-Sketchbooks
I filled my last two, I need some more big ones.

Books

This is Your Brain on Music
By Daniel J. Levitin -- Sounds cool, reviewed another excellent book,
Kluge.

Musicophilia: Tales of Music and the Brain, Revised and Expanded Edition
By Oliver Sacks -- Cause he's just cool like that :)

Made to Stick: Why Some Ideas Survive and Others Die
By Chip and Dan Heath -- Also reviewed Kluge, sounds like a good book.

The Happiness Hypothosis
By Jonathan Haidt -- Kluge review, looks good.

The Paradox of Choice
By Barry Schwartz -- ._. Basically the same as above? Similar to above? No Kludge
in this one.

Predictably Irrational
By Dan Ariely -- Who wouldn't buy a book with this title?

Music
-$50 iTunes giftcard
I've had one before and LOVED IT!!! It lasted all the way to
February, which is pretty impressive considering the amount of music I
buy during the vacation.

Clothing
-Hot Topic... Pretty much anything actually.
Well, I mean, not ANYTHING, but something within reason.

Manga!!!
-Inuyasha 26-however many you can get in English
Oh, god yes.

-Punch! 1-3
A friend lent me these, and I loved them. Unfortunately I had to return
them as she kinda sorta wanted them back.

-Fruits Basket 3-As Many As Possible (AMAP)
Same as above, an adorable series with an excellent plot.

-Yurara 1-AMAP
Same as above, Chelsey loaned me TONS of manga.

-Millennium Snow 1-AMAP
Same as above.

-Vampire Knight 5
The most recent book in a series that Chelsey loaned me, I own 1, 2, and 3.

-Aria 2
The most recent book in a series that I GOT MYSELF YEAH WHOOO!!!!
*cough* Ahem... I saw it at the school book fair and got it, it's a cute series.

-Black Cat 3-7 and 13-AMAP
Excellent art and characters, I found this series at my cousin's house.

-Death Note 1-AMAP
I found volume 3 hanging around in my cousin's house, but couldn't understand
a thing, it being #3. Later I watched a Youtube of the 1st episode I got very
interested.


This is a work-in-progress, and it'll be updated as the season progresses. Sit tight!

It's too hot to think of a title.

102 today. Since it was so hot, I had no appetite, but it since t was hot and I wanted to see if eating would d help, I wound up ingesting the following:

Six popsicles

Two ramen (in the morning, when it was cooler)

Two small cantaloupes

Two pieces of bread

A bite of cheese.

I swear to god, if Dad yells at me again I'm going to kill him.

I got my report card today. He didn't want me to see it before I did. I told him that since it was my work and my grade, I should see it first. Apparently this was a capital crime, as he shouted, "I swear, if you open that mouth to me you're not seeing it at all! Now you just back off!"

I wound up getting all A's, with an A- in math.

Somehow I'm not as enthusiastic as I thought I would be.

The Tree Vortex

There was a story on a chat board I was reading that caught my eye. Apparently, across the poster's street, a tree had fallen and torn up a chunk of sidewalk. A company was hired to dispose of the tree, but for some reason left the stump, as though it would just work itself back into place like a piece of a jigsaw puzzle. It didn't.

A few days later Ms.Poster found a pair of boots next to the stump. Her theory was that the boots had fallen from the tree and the neighborhood stray had kicked them into veiw.

A different theory was quickly suggested by another member of the chat: a previously undiscovered vortex hiding under the tree has sucked up an unsuspecting passerby so fast that his/her boots were left behind in this dimension.

I had to draw it.

More info on DevArt.

In other news, SUMMER'S HERE! Well, it has been here. For about six days. I'm pretty sure I'll be very socially active, since I have given my phone number to a group of people who take great delight in gatherings of five to ten friends. These seem to happen approximately twice a week, instead of twice a month like I'm used to, but hey, it's better than fighting hormones that insist that Dad is an enemy to be verbally bashed every five seconds.

Yep. That's about it.

Yet Another One

I like her design, And her yellow came out great! And that's coming from someone who hates yellow. Typically bad BG. More on DevArt.