Artistic Hopes

I was thinking about my opinion on my own art today. What I found was rather distressing. No matter how much praise I get, it seems hollow because I cannot look past the mistakes that I know I made.

I find this really sad. I want to make art just for fun, like I used to. I knew I wasn't very good, but I also knew that I was young, and that I would get better. It was very reassuring, knowing that. When I looked at people's art that was better than mine, I knew that they were usually much older than I was. And no matter what people said, I knew that I would get better.

Now I find that I'm getting so much praise that I can't really say I'll get better. I can only feel that I should be much more talented, because I don't feel like I earned it. And when I get criticism, I feel like someone can see that insecurity and I get worried. I can't seem to find a good balance.

Mom's praise is much more solid. She's stuck with me through all of my bad pictures, and my anatomy research, and helped me find references on at least a dozen subjects. She's bragged, she's sketched, she's explained. So when she says, "That's amazing! Excellent job!" I know that she knows that I once was average, and that I've actually improved, that I'm not a genius. It's a wonderful thing.

Other people, it doesn't really count. They seem to think that I am more talented than I really am. When they ask how I did it, I can't bring myself to tell them that I'm not good, just stubborn enough to get through that period that I was god-awful. That I don't really know what I'm doing, that I am just winging it. Rather scary.

One day though, I hope that I can look past that, that I can take praise for what it really is, something to be proud to get. I hope that one day I will be able to look at everything good about a picture, not only the flaws.

Those are my hopes for my future. Even if I don't get anything else, I hope I get that.

And Mom? Thank you. So very much.