Definition:
1. To cause to move with violence or sudden force.
1. To cause to move with violence or sudden force.
2. To upset; disturb
3. To arouse interest in (a cause, for example) by use of the written or spoken word; debate.
Not in a good mood. In any sense of the word. Excuse the grammar, don't feel like being helpful/eloquent.
Mood started in English 1st period, had a collage level sub, couldn't keep class quiet. Loud yelling for 30 mins. Snapped at person who sits next to me (name Eathen) for being overly cheerful and helpful to the extreme. Hated the feeling of someone touching my skin, felt cramped in classrooms and hallways. Was mean and sadistic without trying, I could hear words coming from my mouth I didn't remember forming in my mind.
Made fun in head at everything possible from clothing to word choice to behavior. Has been going on for about two days now, perpetually grumpy and tired, not usually hungry in stages more on-off hunger with huge cravings then no urge to eat for an hour or so. Don't care about classwork when doing it but when I see number wrong flip out and get annoyed at myself, feel need to destroy evidence, often fold/unfold corners or other distraction before time to turn in. That's why report card so crumpled, liked seeing the letters fold slightly with every crease, watched grain in paper change as stressed. Want to just yell at people who treat me unfairly, kick myself when think of better comeback to insult five minutes later.
Dad yelling frequently at treatment of siblings. Feels unfair yet know it isn't, know that I've been thinking about this for long time, just is coming out now. Find myself unable to see three dimensional objects, must work for things to 'pop' out at me. Not unusual, only realized 5th grade that way I see can't be normal for I cannot tell what looks 3-D on paper and what doesn't without physical effort. Makes looking at art/drawing difficult, am currently unable to see 'normally' without hurting eyes. Only works for short periods anyway. Still have depth perception, just no popping from shadows or dips in floor. Have stumbled frequently lately, examples during 1 1/2 mile run over uneven terrain, scraped ankle and fell luckily on grass. Have tripped often during walks in between classrooms, may just be result of new shoes.
Feel more tired during PE, not as coordinated. As said, fell twice during run. Cannot seem to hit ball during form of tennis, was much better in beginning. Skills seem to deteriorate. Feel no urge to participate in class or to deal with other people. HATE PARTNER WORK. Even more than usual. Seems they aren't trying. Do not give me credit for doing their work. Feel betrayed when get something wrong and is commented on. "OOOHHH!! She got it WRONG!!" No duh you freaking morons, what did you think? That I'm perfect? That I CARE? That I need your opinion on way that I work?
Teachers hear? May not care. May not hear. Don't care. They should hear/care, I'm student, their responsibility. Peers seem more spiteful than usual, more jokes on way I look, work, act, or must feel. Am becoming paranoid, I can feel it. Not a pleasant feeling. All are talking of me, all are giggling about something I did or said. I'm falling apart by the seems and can't seem to find enough thread to pull myself back together.
All noise is annoying, except for that already judged as ok eg. music, parents laughing, myself laughing, my name called by mom, frogs croaking, guinea pigs wheaking. Rest are irritants to be destroyed. Others talking, computer humming, others laughing. All must quiet or will be snapped at. Includes classmates, teachers, siblings, crossing guard, some 'friends'.
Had another 'Family Meeting'. Was loud, pointless, and irritating. Yelling for first half, last half just info that could've gotten by asking. Did not really care about something happening weeks away, could've just told us three days beforehand?
Also, that's when dad yelled. Usually happens around dinner, that's when pointless chatter comes up. Comment from Midget and Elf on how much they hate the War. When told them that thing they should hate most is that they had no fucking idea what they were talking about, Dad yelled. Yelled tonight when said that I had problems stopping insults leaving my mouth, that they just left. All was true. He started yelling, said that if he wanted help that he would give it to me, but I wouldn't like it a bit and he would make sure of it. Mom shut him up by saying that I was going to therapist next week, Also true. Shouldn't he know? Too busy with The cute one and the yeller? Too busy for the one who does good, who nearly cries at getting a B-? Too busy for the one who has nice friends who actually like me?
Starting to feel like need some mental condition to be wanted/paid attention to. If had Bipolar or MPD, would get attention. Could go to therapist? Asked Nikki/other friend (can't remember, maybe both?) about thought on therapy, said that was only for psycos who killed others. Don't want to be psyco too. Already hated. Don't want it to be worse. Considered cutting just to see if it worked, if it made anything better. That's why downstairs, didn't think could stop going for scissors. Parents here, couldn't hurt myself here. Would get upset, they would. Kind of point, but don't want to do in front of them. Even more upset, would they get?
Don't know. Will go to Mom now. Hopefully can cry. Sometimes helps bad feelings. Sometimes? Not so much.
Not in a good mood. In any sense of the word. Excuse the grammar, don't feel like being helpful/eloquent.
Mood started in English 1st period, had a collage level sub, couldn't keep class quiet. Loud yelling for 30 mins. Snapped at person who sits next to me (name Eathen) for being overly cheerful and helpful to the extreme. Hated the feeling of someone touching my skin, felt cramped in classrooms and hallways. Was mean and sadistic without trying, I could hear words coming from my mouth I didn't remember forming in my mind.
Made fun in head at everything possible from clothing to word choice to behavior. Has been going on for about two days now, perpetually grumpy and tired, not usually hungry in stages more on-off hunger with huge cravings then no urge to eat for an hour or so. Don't care about classwork when doing it but when I see number wrong flip out and get annoyed at myself, feel need to destroy evidence, often fold/unfold corners or other distraction before time to turn in. That's why report card so crumpled, liked seeing the letters fold slightly with every crease, watched grain in paper change as stressed. Want to just yell at people who treat me unfairly, kick myself when think of better comeback to insult five minutes later.
Dad yelling frequently at treatment of siblings. Feels unfair yet know it isn't, know that I've been thinking about this for long time, just is coming out now. Find myself unable to see three dimensional objects, must work for things to 'pop' out at me. Not unusual, only realized 5th grade that way I see can't be normal for I cannot tell what looks 3-D on paper and what doesn't without physical effort. Makes looking at art/drawing difficult, am currently unable to see 'normally' without hurting eyes. Only works for short periods anyway. Still have depth perception, just no popping from shadows or dips in floor. Have stumbled frequently lately, examples during 1 1/2 mile run over uneven terrain, scraped ankle and fell luckily on grass. Have tripped often during walks in between classrooms, may just be result of new shoes.
Feel more tired during PE, not as coordinated. As said, fell twice during run. Cannot seem to hit ball during form of tennis, was much better in beginning. Skills seem to deteriorate. Feel no urge to participate in class or to deal with other people. HATE PARTNER WORK. Even more than usual. Seems they aren't trying. Do not give me credit for doing their work. Feel betrayed when get something wrong and is commented on. "OOOHHH!! She got it WRONG!!" No duh you freaking morons, what did you think? That I'm perfect? That I CARE? That I need your opinion on way that I work?
Teachers hear? May not care. May not hear. Don't care. They should hear/care, I'm student, their responsibility. Peers seem more spiteful than usual, more jokes on way I look, work, act, or must feel. Am becoming paranoid, I can feel it. Not a pleasant feeling. All are talking of me, all are giggling about something I did or said. I'm falling apart by the seems and can't seem to find enough thread to pull myself back together.
All noise is annoying, except for that already judged as ok eg. music, parents laughing, myself laughing, my name called by mom, frogs croaking, guinea pigs wheaking. Rest are irritants to be destroyed. Others talking, computer humming, others laughing. All must quiet or will be snapped at. Includes classmates, teachers, siblings, crossing guard, some 'friends'.
Had another 'Family Meeting'. Was loud, pointless, and irritating. Yelling for first half, last half just info that could've gotten by asking. Did not really care about something happening weeks away, could've just told us three days beforehand?
Also, that's when dad yelled. Usually happens around dinner, that's when pointless chatter comes up. Comment from Midget and Elf on how much they hate the War. When told them that thing they should hate most is that they had no fucking idea what they were talking about, Dad yelled. Yelled tonight when said that I had problems stopping insults leaving my mouth, that they just left. All was true. He started yelling, said that if he wanted help that he would give it to me, but I wouldn't like it a bit and he would make sure of it. Mom shut him up by saying that I was going to therapist next week, Also true. Shouldn't he know? Too busy with The cute one and the yeller? Too busy for the one who does good, who nearly cries at getting a B-? Too busy for the one who has nice friends who actually like me?
Starting to feel like need some mental condition to be wanted/paid attention to. If had Bipolar or MPD, would get attention. Could go to therapist? Asked Nikki/other friend (can't remember, maybe both?) about thought on therapy, said that was only for psycos who killed others. Don't want to be psyco too. Already hated. Don't want it to be worse. Considered cutting just to see if it worked, if it made anything better. That's why downstairs, didn't think could stop going for scissors. Parents here, couldn't hurt myself here. Would get upset, they would. Kind of point, but don't want to do in front of them. Even more upset, would they get?
Don't know. Will go to Mom now. Hopefully can cry. Sometimes helps bad feelings. Sometimes? Not so much.
3 comments:
It was Margaret who said therapy was phycos. I said 'Yay?...' because I didn't know if you wanted to or not. Therapy isn't for phyco people, least I hope not, considering my Mom made me go to one when my parents were getting divorced. I understand the whole noise thing, sometimes everything to the kids on my block playing basketball, to the radio just makes me want to bang my head on the wall. This seems to happen a lot to me in class, when there's just that buzz of chatter coming from all directions. I then continue to glare at the nearest thing making noise.
Wow. I didn't think anyone actually read my blog. Thank you for the support Nikki, I'm actually a lot better now.
In response: Margaret saying that actually makes a lot of sense. I didn't think you had said it, but when I think 'friend' you're the first one to come to mind. And I think everyone has the noise thing in class. Except, of course, for the odd 20 or so of the kids making the noise. Great to know that you agree though :)
How's your star story coming along? Progressing? On pause? Stopped?
In the thinking process. I've got a bit of a character in mind, but personality needs to be fleshed out a bit more, and the name to be decided. But it's definitly on pause until I get my book project done. xD
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